A Selection of Weaponized Umbrellas

The umbrella has a long history as a weapon.

Over the years it has not only defended gentlemen from inclement weather but also from drunken Irishmen.  This tradition looks to have a bright and sunny future.

After the jump, we look at some of the more interesting new umbrellas and what they may protect you against.

The Unbreakable Fighting Umbrella

In simple black, this is a simple weapon.  It’s a club.  A bit lacking in imagination, this umbrella, used by the secret service in the Philippines, won’t break.  Not even if you use it on a watermelon.  It costs $180.

The Flask Umbrella

This Malacca handled umbrella contains a flask, thus protecting you from sobriety.  But it costs far too much — 450 pounds– and makes no sense.  Let’s say it’s raining and you want a drink.  Is that really the time to take apart your umbrella?  And after you have your drink, is that really the time to put it back together?

The Umbrella Water Gun

Nan raised me with a simple rule:  “Never pull a gun unless you plan on using it.”  So this umbrella strikes me as a shockingly bad idea.  Not only does it display a pistol, the pistol is fake.  While it might be fun to spray people with water, being sprayed with police bullets can put a damper on any walk.

Internet Umbrella

This umbrella protects one from boredom with the internet and from getting lost with GPS.  But it’s so bulky and technical that one needs to be Japanese to pull this off.

Umbrella Sword

An oldie but a goodie, this umbrella conceals a sword.  The problem with these is that it can sometimes be difficult to remove the sword.  And do you really have it in you to stab someone with a sword and leave them bleeding like a goat in the street?  I’m not sure that I do.  Though slowly revealing this sword and seeing your attacker’s mouth drop open might seem like the hip thing to do, Nan always said:  “By the time someone sees your blade, it should be in them.”

The UmbusterThis umbrella is quite easily my favourite.  It looks good and brass knuckles cause less psychic hesitation than a blade and less fatal embarrassment than a water pistol.  Because they are visible, they may also preclude using them.  Chances are, you average Irishman will see those and look for easier prey.  Maybe.

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